Feeling Judged vs. Passing Judgment

I was recently thinking some mean things about myself. Again.

In my mind, I wasn’t learning fast enough to get ahead of what I was over-complicating so I was becoming impatient.

I wanted to have it figured out already, but I didn’t.

And, because I didn’t, I made it mean:

• “I’m not trying hard enough”

• “I’m a failure”

• “I’m stupid”

• “I’m never going to figure it out”

• “I’m making it harder for myself”

(Cue the shame and discouragement.)

My coach reminded me that as humans, we aren’t going to do something perfectly 100% of the time. And, then she asked: “Yet it seems that you think that there will be a point that you know how not to overcomplicate things, and will never do it again… why is that?”

The crazy thing is I know I do this while intellectually knowing an arrival point doesn’t exist.

It definitely hits different when someone else sees it, too.

So, as I dug deeper, all signs pointed to when I was younger and couldn’t figure things out.

When it seemed clear as day to everyone else except me, I learned to believe it was my fault for being in that position to begin with.

Hearing “you should know better” combined with disappointment certainly didn't help the cause.

So, I learned to judge myself around ‘not knowing’ or ‘knowing better’ for protection.

From it, I learned to become a self-starter, fast learner, and detail-oriented as my way of ‘getting in front’ of the pain, embarrassment, and shame.

In the name of protection, I gained something beautiful from it:

• I gained the ability to take initiative.

• I gained the ability to pay attention and quickly troubleshoot for maximum efficiency.

• I gained the ability to see things that most people miss.

These skills have served me well in my life.

Except, I didn’t learn how to manage the judging narrative that created it, so those skills don't have as many reps put in.

Here's the thing—I want to put in the reps.

Because I know what results I gain access to when I do.

Here's what I'm learning so far...

Feeling Judged vs. Passing Judgment

When it comes to feeling judged and passing judgment, the main difference is that one of them is something you experience emotionally and the other is something you do towards yourself and others.

When you feel judged, it’s often in situations where others can have their own thoughts about something you say or do. (i.e. anything and everything)

You feel judged when a potential client decides not to work with you.

You feel judged when introducing yourself to someone new and letting them know what you do.

You feel judged when someone you know sees you putting yourself out in the world in a way they’ve never seen you as before.

You feel judged when you don’t know the answer to something you think you should know.

These moments (whether you think of them or experience them in real time) create sensations in your body that indicate there’s something deeper to explore.

Another thing that can happen when you feel judged is you pass that judgment onto yourself and others in response to feeling it.

When you pass judgment, these are the thoughts you have about yourself or others around something you or others have said or done.

You pass judgment when a potential client decides not to work with you because they don’t have the finances to invest in your offer. You judge them because you think they’re using that as an excuse to not work with you and that they would gladly pay the money to someone else. You judge yourself for not being 'good at sales’.

You pass judgment when introducing yourself to someone new and letting them know what you do. You judge them because you think they didn't seem genuinely interested in what you had to say. You judge yourself for saying the wrong thing.

You pass judgment when someone you know sees you putting yourself out in the world in a way they’ve never seen you as before. You judge them because you think they are rolling their eyes at your posts. You judge yourself for not creating better content.

You pass judgment when you don’t know the answer to something you think you should know. You judge them for putting you in a position that exposes your insecurity. You judge yourself for not being prepared.

What’s important to recognize and understand is that your experience of feeling judged and passing judgment is not tied to other people.

Other people don’t cause you to feel judged or pass judgment.

Your thoughts do because of what you make the situation mean.

Judgmental Feelings/Actions Don’t Create Results.

Whether you're feeling judged or passing judgment, none of it fuels the kind of action that moves you closer to your goals.

What you might experience in the wake of this realization (from my experience and helping others through it) are feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment, and/or disappointment that surface.

Sitting with those feelings is the spot where many of us don’t have the reps in.

It’s the same spot we come back to time and time again as we work to become more emotionally attuned, regulated, and increase our intelligence.

It brings up discomfort which feels threatening to our nervous system.

The catch is that before you can do anything useful with your feelings of judgment and the behaviors attached to them, you need to allow yourself the space to let the experience exist.

You have to explore what’s underneath it and wrap it tightly with grace and compassion around what shows up for you when you do.

Then, you have to decide if you want to stay there or make a different choice.

Only then can you release the grasp it has on you and the results associated with it.

Because, as long as you’re in the energy that fuels feelings and actions from a place of judgment, you’ll continue to feast on the results tied to it.

The Judgmental Anecdote

So, what do you do instead? Evaluate the situation.

When you’re evaluating a situation, what you’re looking to do is gain awareness and deepen your understanding.

You’re looking at the parts that worked and didn’t.

You’re looking to identify the cues that created the results you experienced so you can be on the lookout for them next time.

You’re looking to plan what you’ll do differently while you’re in a non-/less-activated state.

When you evaluate, you access the part of your brain that:

• Solves problems and course corrects

• Brainstorms possible options and different solutions

• Gets excited at the possibilities

• Produces more sustainable energy open to problem-solving

• Explores with curiosity

You think things like “I’m going to figure this out” or “I WANT to solve this problem” from a place of curiosity and excitement.

And, the more time you can spend in the energy of evaluating, the closer you position yourself to the goals and dreams you desire.

Give yourself permission for it to be easy.

Allow this process to be fun.

Forgive yourself for passing judgment each time it shows up while continuing to put in the reps for skill mastery.

The process was never meant to be sexy and accommodating.

Don’t let your brain fool you.

Boldly,

Lynne xo