When Things Don't Go Your Way

In life, you are up against A LOT of sneaky and pesky thoughts.

This week, I’m talking about a thought that shows up when you do something that you think has gone against your ‘better judgment’ and find yourself in the result you wanted to avoid in the first place.

• You leave a thoughtfully written comment on someone’s social media post knowing it might not get acknowledged or reacted to. You feel intense pride that you challenged your insecurities and wrote the comment anyways, but feel a deep sense of rejection when no one actually engages with it.

• You don’t pickup a client’s call that came in during the off-work hours you set for yourself knowing the call might be important or upset them. You feel proud that you set boundaries and enforced them anyways, but feel intense shame when you find out the reason was out of urgency.

The thought we’re talking about today is: “I knew I should/shouldn’t have Y.”

• I knew I shouldn’t have left that comment.

• I knew I should have picked up that call.

You might even tack on some additional thought flavors like “I’m X” (eg. I’m so stupid/dumb/an idiot), “Ugh”, or even “I can’t get any of this right”.

And it might read a little something like this:

“Ugh! I’m so stupid! I knew I shouldn’t have left that comment. Now everyone will know just how stupid I really am. They’re going to go to my profile and know I don’t have it together or know what I’m doing. I just want to hide. I can’t get any of this right. Maybe this really isn’t for me.”

Followed by a sigh so heavy you can feel the thickness of bitterness and disappointment clinging to the insides of your chest.

You tell yourself, “if only I would have known…”

You beat yourself up for not listening to your own advice and doing it anyways.

If any of this sounds familiar, rest assure it’s not because you did anything wrong.

You were conditioned in this way of thinking.

In fact, this is a universal human experience and it shows up for all of us in many areas of our lives!

The good news is, you are the driver of this ship.

You get to decide the direction you want to sail.

So, if you no longer want to live in that result, I’m going to share the one thing you need to get started.

Where It Starts

So, how do you course correct?

It starts by noticing how you manage your feelings when things don't turn out the way you want them to.

Noticing is the simple act of observing without judgment.

When things don’t go your way, you already have a default way of dealing with that.

Perhaps you learned to express the immediate pain by:

• Losing your temper

• Calling yourself/other people names

• Scream/Yell/Cry

• Stomping your feet

• Slamming doors

• Throwing things

• Telling someone off

Perhaps you learned to self-soothe by:

• Eating/Drinking/ your emotions

• Spending money

• Venting/Complaining to a friend/partner

• Ignoring your needs

• Letting go of boundaries

• Keeping it to yourself/not talking about it

• Overthinking/Ruminating

• Being critical of yourself/others

While these examples aren’t all-encompassing, the idea is to simply notice what you do when you find yourself in the situation and how you manage it.

This is the most difficult part of creating longlasting change because it forces you to see things that bring up a lot of intense emotions.

Knowing something doesn’t require you to take action.

You can know that you need to engage with people to build your business and not do it.

This is because taking responsibility for actually doing it means you have to be willing to move through all the things that will come up as you take that action.

Just like you might know you lose your temper, to take responsibility for it means you have to be willing to apologize and make amends to people you’ve hurt with your actions.

If you’re unwilling to do that, then you’ve already met your ceiling for as far as you can go.

The crossover from knowing and taking responsibility is where most people stay stuck because:

• Knowing something feels safe and comfortable.

• Taking responsibility feels uncertain.

And, uncertainty breeds more things like doubt, insecurity, defeat, and discouragement to exist.

Here’s is what is also true:

There’s freedom in knowing. There’s even more freedom in deciding.

Your brain wants you to think that your decisions are inflexible.

That once you make them, there’s no escape. You’re locked in. Forever.

But, you aren’t.

In fact, once you decide to do something that seems counter-intuitive, you’re going to need to continue to make the same decision over and over again to keep going.

And, you only have to keep making that decision for as long as you want the result tied to it.

In closing…

You’re naturally going to experience sensations in your body that make you think you’re going against your “better judgment” just like in the example I started this letter with.

It’s up to you to decide if it’s worth continuing to pursue each time it shows up.

The good news is that the baseline of your thinking can always be expanding.

And, that decision is always available to you.

To circle back to the beginning,…

Maybe you shouldn’t have left that comment.

Maybe you should have picked up the call.

But, the very reason you’re even in that situation to begin with is because you decided ahead of time that you were willing to take responsibility for your actions.

That the outcome you’re working towards was worth the discomfort.

It’s why you took those actions in the first place:

• To challenge your insecurities

• To set boundaries and enforce them

What decision are your goals asking you to make right now?

Whatever they are, love your reasons for doing it or not.

Because if anyone needs to have your back, it will always be you.

Boldly,

Lynne xo